Reality Checks

Expectations can be such a dangerous thing. When one is looking forward to something...one must also be prepared to be let down or disappointed one time or another. Some have commented that I often have a pessimistic outlook of life. But I guess I'm somehow trying to soften the blow of a disappointment if things don't work out as I hoped it would be.

Be it a relationship, a promotion, a meeting or many more goings in my daily life. I often tell myself to take it easy and be ready for the worst. Still I can't say I don't feel the tinge disappointment and frustration when things happened at the other end of the scale. Some say I don't take too well to things that don't turn out well...but do I? Maybe.

I often too ask myself what happiness is? I'm not too sure myself. Often little things that makes me happy are somehow tie to being having some expectations.

Waking up to see your loved one next to you...a simple smile, a peck on the cheek and a lazy "Good Morning". Enjoying a good cup of coffee and toasts while reading morning papers leisurely on a weekday. Taking a deep breath of the cool morning air. Running a good run. Holding hands. Having late night supper despite knowing the evils of it.

Not too tall an order I suppose? Only simple things that will be able to bring a smile of contentment on my face. But then again...when one has expectations of little happiness like these, it does come with the disappointments when one cannot enjoy it.

Oh well...reality checks I suppose...

色易守，情难防

一句："快走"，带出了她心里的爱恨纠缠。
也带出了一个人在面对爱情的...爱．恨．难。

Vexed . Incompetence . Dejected

Received an interesting note from my senior management after urging the HR a couple of times over the last few months on my confirmation and pay adjustments which was 6 months overdue.

Dear Alex,

HR was brought to my attention that you have not been confirmed and we should rightly review your case.

Please make yourself available for a meeting between HR, you and I. We shall update XXX, your Operation Head, on the details finalized during our discussion.

Understand that the delay of your confirmation is partly due to YYY’s departure, your PM role expectation. We also want to take this opportunity to discuss about the intended plan of your PRD role next year.

Best regards

Vexed.

1. YYY (my current boss) only tendered his resignation in October but I was due for confirmation in June...so what got his departure got to do with the delay?
2. My PM role expectation. Was the delay due to my expectation of my role as the PM? Or was it that they think I did not meet their expectations as a PM?

Incompetence.

Just had lunch with my user last week and she made a comment. "Your company is famous for slipping the project schedule. The last PM had slipped the last project by a year! Thank goodness this time you only slipped a week."

Am I supposed to feel happy about the comment? I guess I should. Since taking up the project in March, step by step I try to solve the issues of hardware under specifications, incompatible in-house application software with the new proposed OS, near zero system administrator assistance, inexperience engineers over installation and network infrastructure or any system knowledge at all and buggy off-the-shelf software!!! Proposed deployment in end August but manage to deliver in 1st week of September. It was a great learning and hands-on (all by myself) experience for me no doubt but does the management see the efforts I put in? Incompetence? Was it really all me?

Two years in the row without any pay increment, bonus or even AWS since I left my 1st job while other's pocket just get fatter and coming with all sorts of reasons to adjust their own pay.

Time to move on...move on...

Feeling so so dejected.

Carpe Diem

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

- RENT

Runspiration 2007

Did my first Singapore Marathon Run...okay...I only ran 10km...but at least I fulfilled my resolution of 2007 and did my personal best of almost under 1 hr...damn 1h:00m:24s...need to shed that few seconds! arrgghh!!


Half Marathon next year or Full Marathon the year after? You bet! Resolution 2008 & 2009!! 8-)

Home coming

In memory of 5 ordinary men - Stephen, Jeremy, Reuben, Boon San and Wei Cheng, whom left behind an extraordinary legacy to people like me whom never got to know them

Pulang marilah pulang
Marilah pulang bersama-sama

May you guys rest in peace and be always in the hearts and memories of many.

Random Rumblings...

Up Up

Bus Fare Up
Petrol Up
Flour Up
Petrol Up (Haiz...5 cts)
Bus Fare Up (Erm...wasn't it just adjusted in July?)
Petrol Up (Haiz...closing US$98...)
Paper Up

Consumer Price Index (CPI) Up Up Up

BUT

Petroleum Company's Profits Up
Public Transport Company's Profits Up
Ministerial Pay Up (Oh....that was in April)

How come my dollar is shrinking?
How come my pay still not up?!

Arrggghhhhhh.......


Screaming Vigilantes

Singaporeans had gone onto the printed media due to an incident publish on a "celebrity" blogger's blog. Two Singaporean men came to a couple of damsels' rescue from an "burly" ang mo attacking the weaker sex for no reason.

If the one sided story published holds true, no doubt that the ang mo was wrong to hit on the girls...But the crux of the issue was that the self proclaimed "celebrity" blogger's bag did bumped into the lady, and did she remember to say sorry in the first place?

Come on, we get bumped by clueless people who had forgotten that their big bulky bag is part of their body once they donned it on almost everyday on MRT, buses and shopping centres. Most of the time we do not even get a word of sorry but instead some rude stares as if we are in the wrong to bump into their bag?!! The incident do not need to turn ugly if the "star" blogger in all her "celebrit-i-ness" could have minded her manners and said sorry in the beginning.

《当我老了》 — 写给孩子的一封信

我老了，不再是原来的我。
请理解我，对我有一点耐心。

当我把菜汤洒到自己的衣服上时，
当我忘记怎样系鞋带时，
请想一想当初我是如何手把手地教你。

当我一遍又一遍地重复你早已听腻的话语，
请耐心地听我说，不要打断我。
你从小的时候，我不得不重复那个讲过千百遍的故事，
直到你进入梦乡。

当我需要你帮我洗澡时，请不要责备我。
还记得小时候我千方百计哄你洗澡的情形吗？

当我对新科技和新事物不知所措时，请不要嘲笑我。
想一想当初我怎样耐心地回答你的每一个“为什么”。

当我由于双脚疲劳而无法行走时，
请伸出你年轻有力的手搀扶我。
就像你小时候学习走路时，我扶你那样。

当我忽然忘记我们谈话的主题，请给我一些时间让我回想。
其实对我来说，谈论什么并不重要，
只要你能在一旁听我说，我就很满足。

当你看着老去的我，请不要悲伤。
理解我，支持我，就像你刚开始
学习如何生活时我对你那样。

当初我引导你走上人生的路，
如今请陪我走完最后的路。
给我你的爱和耐心，我会报以感激的微笑。
这微笑中凝结着我对你无限的爱。

文章择选自墨西哥《数字家庭》2004年11月号

Lame Musings - BenGay

Penetrating Pain Relief...better than KY.....

They also come with Deep Penetrating Pain Relief...hahaha

忘记．遗忘．回忆

忘记过往并不可怕
遗忘也须一定的勇气
但确害怕失去那仅存的回忆

人嘛，就是那么的矛盾......

绕梁一世

《天冷就回来》也已演完了19场，公然的在昨天落幕了。上星期看了那一场演出后，就一直想写一写自己的感觉，脑海里一直在想著："这一次，一定要以中文写！" 但就是一直跟自己喋喋不休的争个有的没的，然后就是一拖再拖。

真的很佩服杜国威能以梁文福的近35首歌曲铺排成一部可说是新加坡派的音乐剧。但如果和《我和春天有个约会》比较，我总觉得《天》就是还缺了一些...但又说不出来的什么。其实《天》并不是梁文福的第一出音乐剧，在1996年看了和叶良俊合作的《雨季》后就一直蛮期待能再看到下一部属于新加坡的华语音乐剧。虽然不像《雨》都是和叶良俊的原创音乐和歌曲，但能在《天》中以另一种方式来诠释伴我成长的新谣，的确给了我一些惊喜和感动，并让我重新了解一些歌词中的意义。不能不说梁文福的词曲真的很能不经意的将我们的情绪牵动。当然演员的努力，大家所付出的，都得到了满场的掌声与感动。

其实蛮惊讶的是一直都以为George Chan (田伟鸿)是一位舞蹈员和口操英语的舞台演员，所以当我在看到海报时，的确有点讶异，"华语leh!! 不要像May and Choy在《881》 這樣吧？ 倒想看一看他能在剧中会有怎样的演出。" 就在这样的心态下而决定买票的。但我真的是有眼不識O-yee-O! 哈哈哈！他那嘹亮而厚实的歌声的的确确的把我给慑服了。Joanna (董姿彥）的声音也有很吸引人的地方，带点英文腔但又不会有洋人味。她猫女郎的一举手，一投足和她水的肢体都让我吸引。但Rose 和阿乐的初遇，却给我像在《RENT》里Mimi和Roger初识的影子。

虽不是什么声乐专家，但大多演员们歌声的稳定度，有时真的会为他们捏一把冷汗... 對Sebastian Tan (陈瑞彪)的声音有点小小的失望，也许累了或也许和George的比较，他的声线就显得有点单薄。小演员们的有点难以控制, 资深演员(黄家强, 吴悦娟)和歌手(郑展伦)也再一次证明了姜还是老的辣！王欣在戏中的串场有点小小的遗憾。

林燮毅的可爱，也许是他的外型，一出场就很有comic feel。其实和燮毅有过那小小的认识，7年前在纽约通过朋友认识时就是那么圆圆的。还记得我的millenium就是在纽约和他与另三个朋友吃著饺子渡过的。当时就很喜欢纽约的生活，看燮毅在那儿主修声乐和另一位在那儿跳舞的女孩(想一想...那女孩好像就是郭劲红...郭宝崑的另一位千金...但不确定也想不起）那時好崇拜也羨慕他們，觉得他们都很勇敢，敢为自己的目标奋斗。所以当我看到燮毅在台上時，就好像看他们当时给我的感慨。Rose和成叔在纽约的奋斗，就好像在说著他们的故事。不知他们是否还记得我这位无名的过客。

天冷你就回来
别在风中徘徊
我猜我眼里有明白
还有一丝无奈
天冷他没回家
我仍然在等待
明天的雨点洒下来
那滋味就是爱

迷宫

现在是什么样的心情
自己也说不上来
也许想太多
也许是一直对生活都太执著

常问自己
到底心里想著什么
又在执著什么
我也无法说出口

只觉得好累好累
对生活开始没有太多的冲动
我真的也不想想太多

好想出去好好的出走
让自己好好的放松
是生活的牵绊
还是自我的束缚
就因我一直都想太多

我真的不想想太多
只要好好的放轻松
但我一直都走不出自己的无聊迷宫

八八么 (Papaya) - 摇啊摇 - 发啦!!!

Hmm...trying not to don my movie critic hat at this hour of the night, but I guess it does not harm just to give my cents or two of the movie...even though I know practically no one really read my blog...hahah...

First and foremost, I must say I really did enjoy the movie quite a bit and leaving the cinema red eyed and red nosed *blush* Too emotional I told myself but I'm always a sucker for those tear jerking moments and sitting at the last row of the theatre with no one else helps...hahaha

[Spoiler Alert]

Frankly the main cast especially the girl power namely Yeo Yann Yann 杨雁雁 (simply love her even more since Singapore Dreaming), Mindee Ong 王欣 (has seen her mature since her debut in the early idol times in the then TCS - she had mature as an actress and gave a very impressive performance in the show) and lastly Liu Ling Ling 刘玲玲 (outdo her performance in any J-Team flick, though she left an impression in me in I Not Stupid). These ladies really propelled the show to be as entertaining and touching as it can be. Though I must say the supernatural element (歌台娘娘), the laser shooting bra and the 如来神掌 like duel between the payayas and the durians, somewhat stupidify the movie though somehow hilariously funny.

However, I was not overly impressed by 715's performance. I guess there were so much rave reviews and accolades about his performance in the papers recently that I expected more than those pair of talking eyes. Hahaha...at times I don't even know if he is smiling during sad moments or sad during happy moments in the show. And do we need really to cast May and Choy as the Durian Sisters? Yes...they are gaining lots of attention in the Singapore media scene but they were really a pain to see on screen especially when they spout those lines in their nearly non existence mandarin.

However, I guess it was quite an interesting hokkien musical movie to watch. Really like the songs , the many impressive 歌台 costumes and the way Royston Tan handles his shots and good editing. The narration by Royston Tan himself never fails to impress since I first watched <<15>>. His voice has a certain magnetism and is able to draw out the inner feelings in you to flow with his narration. 感性之音? Hahaha

Well, who says hokkien songs are "orbit" and "obiang"? I would say great job to Royston Tan for making a great film to pay tribute to our heritage, our tradition, our culture. Frankly I believe this film is also a tribute not only to 陈金浪 but also to the unsung heroes and heroines of the 七月歌台.

摇啊摇 - 发啦!!!

Sometimes a Bastard We Must Be

We have a vision for tomorrow
Just believe, just believe
We have a goal for Singapore
We can achieve, we can achieve

While exiting from ECP, how many times do I feel like a stupid fool queuing up behind the car on the right most lane to filter out into the connecting lane just to be nudged by some rude drivers on the left lane nonchalantly cutting into my lane as if it was their right to cut into the queue I'm in?

While boarding the bus, how many times do I feel like a stupid fool, patiently queuing up behind the next boarding passenger just to be nudged by some rude passenger (mostly
aunties) cutting into my queue as if I have to respect the old and give way to them?

While boarding the MRT, how many times do I feel like a stupid fool, patiently queuing up the at the side of the door just to be nudged by some rude passenger who nonchalantly stand right smack in the centre of the opening door forcing their way into the train or best still cutting in front of you because he/she is "courteously" letting the passenger alight from the train? Same goes to alighting the train, where someone stares right back at you as if why am I blocking their way boarding the train?!

I've already lost counts. So many times...I feel like an idiot and cursing at myself for queuing up while others just get their way. Well, quite true isn't it? I guess we have to be a bastard in life sometimes. Like the saying goes, if you can't beat them join them.

You and me, we'll do our part
Stand together, heart to heart
We're going to show the world what Singapore can be
We can achieve, we can achieve

Yeah...I think we can sure to achieve if we just do our part to be an ungracious society. Sometimes a Bastard we must be to be happy.

Well, Happy Birthday Singapore!!

Moments

Dinner
"Come let's eat, thank you for working so hard for the family"

Was having dinner with my friends a week ago when I overheard this from the table next to ours. My head turned and found a family of six (mum, dad and their 4 kids) with their maid eating dinner. It brought a smile in me, to see the mum actually serving the maid the food on the table. It was already a heart warming moment to see a family treating their maid with dignity sharing the same food on the table. Then the kid (guess it was the eldest son) stood up and gave the maid a drumstick and mouthing a shy thank you to her. As Singaporeans get more and more effluent and coupled with the many cases of maid/foreign workers abuse, this really made an impression and definitely a moment for me to remember. The parents really showed the children that maids also need to be treated with pride and dignity.

Pandora's Box

害怕寂寞去爱没意义
因为无聊才爱更无趣

爱是温柔幻觉
一段换来心碎的抱抱

- 潘朵拉 张韶涵

Mask

We wear a mask for so long
We no longer remember the person we are underneath

Beneath this mask there's more than flesh
Beneath this mask there's an idea
And ideas are bulletproof

- V for Vendatta

Life Lessons and Sand Castle

To many, building a sand castle was a kiddy thing but this evening I had a life lesson just seeing a demo at the Sand Castle Corner (yeah...didn't know we had such corner...haha) near the Lagoon Hawker Centre in East Coast Parkway.

Yeah...as most typical Singaporean I was drawn by the crowd crowding around the Sand Castle Corner and I saw this uncle teaching the kids, maids and parents how to build sand castles. First impression, sales talk trying to sell his sand castle building equipment...Second impression, some ex-army (his tone was like a RSM) guy trying to make a living. Third impression, a teacher of life lessons (only to find out later that he gives motivational talks and the creator and patenter of the "Ang Ku Kueh" Sand Castle Builder).

As I stood there listening to him, I was impressed...no doubt his constant taunting of the Singapore education system and how Singaporean kids are pampered and different with the Ang-Mo kids struck a string in me...the more I listen to him the more impressed I was of him pricking at the very fact of life.

"Ideas without action is worthless"
"I don't know, let's try it to see if it works"
"Getting your hands dirty and try it out is more important than standing there to look at what I'm doing"

Probably these are not his exact words but the gist of it. I was really quite impress how he can make sand castle building into a lesson of life especially to the crowd of mostly kids and maids.

Really never judge a book by its cover and you'll never know in some corner of this little red dot...who knows there is always a teacher hidden somewhere where one can learn a life lesson or two.

Sentiments Libéraux

Est-ce que je suis trop libéral avec mes sentiments?

Je ne peux pas attendre pour me réveiller demain
Et trouvez que cette promesse est vrai
Je ne devrais jamais aller de nouveau au jour avant vous

Numbing Rumblings 2007

So many times
Lingering in my thoughts
I want to know the reason behind it all
Demanding to make the pain and hurt go away

But each time the struggle gets harder and harder
Was it pride?
Fear?
Or was it resentment?

Let it be
Let it just whither and die
Not wanting to ruffle its feathers
But this time it took a little longer

Lie still...
Blankly...Quietly...Peacefully

Waiting to be reanimated back into life...

速食爱情

到底有什么道理
是自尊
是执著
是遗憾
是害怕寂寞

是爱得太深
所以我 伤得这么重

速食爱情 到底是什么东西
昨天的甜言蜜语
今天就感情不再

相爱无梦

一个过活 盼抱着情人
一对过活 又挂念谁人
到了话要分开 你我尚有恻隐
又再探听对方新闻
即使一起貌合却若神离
分隔两地日夜挂着愁眉
再各自结新欢 却暗地拿你去比较
现有的始终偏袒你

﹣ 張智霖

空白

独自坐著
面对著萤光屏
凝视著 空白

寂静的夜渐渐的亮了
传来的鸟鸣 确扫不去那片空白
一切都在甦醒中
疲惫的身影 确不曾熟睡

爱．倦怠

我以为我已把手轻轻放开
让失落的心 慢慢的释怀
但我却还沉迷在那不再的未来

伤还未癒合 心碎的感觉 还那么的熟悉
牵你的手仍有余温 但已感觉到你渐渐退去的热情

是累了吗？还是已经没有了感觉？
还爱我吗？还是已经厌倦？

真的不想醒来 面对你对爱情的倦怠

What Hurts the Most

[Never found a song so close to my heart....'cher...just want to share this with you...]


I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

- by Rascal Flatts from Me and My Gang

我怀念的

To Remember...03/05/07 10:00PM...

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦

我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动

假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

Love Changes Everything

Found this old MV by Michael Ball.

'cher...Thanks for sharing this song with me.
Thanks for what we shared...though short...
I'm grateful though sad to let it go....

- from Aspect of Love

Way Back Into Love

['cher - If you ever read my blog...hahaha...;-P]

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

- from the Original Soundtrack of Music & Lyrics

Reflections of 33

Took quite a long hiatus since my last entry. Yeah, as Britney Spears will say "Oops I did it again!" Haha...indeed she did it again with her 'bald' move...haha

Had been searching and trying to find new directions for the past 3 months.Getting on feet and releasing the grip of the past to look forward to a better 2007.

The year passed did not end with pomp and circumstance and in fact I got into quite a rut, a mess in the 33 years of my earthly existence. Taking a step back and looking at the months that had gone by...I was simply indulging myself in self-pity and emotional rollercoaster. I've lost friends, lost trusts, lost passions and lost my life (ok don't worry I'm not being suicidal...haha).

Quick reflections of the last months:

27 Jan
Finally decided to let go and move on...no point holding on to something that is no longer yours...

CNY (18 Feb - 20 Feb)
Getting out and start catching up with my friends whom I have neglected and isolated myself from. Thank you all for your concerns and encouragements. You all are really friends indeed.

01 Mar
Final showdown and decided to walk out of the rut. Tendered my resignation.

17 Mar
Was it fate or was it by chance that we finally met...

Happy Enlistment

[inserted 24 March]

15 years ago...I was enlisted into 2BTS Foxtrot Company...

夕阳西下，海风轻送晚霞
德光岛 我的家